Plot type info: Sutton’s getting her panties in a bunch because Emma is doing real well with the whole Being Sutton thing. Emma loves everyone and everyone is starting to love Sutton. Except, bitchface Sutton (okay, for reals girlfriend? Other than Dad having some kind of secret, I’m not getting the Woe is Sutton routine) points out that this family and friends and happy life? They’re her hand-me-downs. Ones she wants back. Careful kiddo. You asked her to take over your life and that includes Homecoming Queen and your secret boyfriend. Meanwhile, Mads’ dad keeps getting creepier, Sutton’s dads secrets keep getting deeper (and full of moustaches that’d make Hall and Oates proud), Sutton’s mom is starting to rethink this whole lying to her daughter business, and Laurel is just waiting for everything to unravel (oh and it will. Including the boyfriend. I don’t trust that kid).

 

So, we’re going to ignore Sutton this week. She was just off wearing as many cute tank tops as one can possibly buy from Urban Outfitters. The casual look is cute, but so not fun to recap. That’s why we’ll talk Emma, who is still raiding her twin’s closet.

%image_alt%

I wouldn’t have put those shoes with that dress, but then again, I’d probably try to girly that shit up as much as possible – whereas teenage girl probably wants to adult it up as much as possible. So, forgiven. It’s cute and perfect for twirling around under a disco ball.

 

However, this?

%image_alt%

This is a whole lot happening. Like, way too frigging much. There’s gold all up the ying yang and ruching like it’s going out of style and a pair of pink leggings. Kiddo, since we’ve met your foster mom, we know you didn’t have any style guidance growing up. I mean, you owned an embroidered denim jacket. So I’m going to be nice and give you some advice: take it down a notch. You don’t have to try to wear it all at once. We cool on that?

 

I’d say take a page from your Pretend Sister Laurel, but she seems too focused on ruffles and pink, so maybe not. And when she does tone it down? Well…

%image_alt%

I guess the chartreuse dress is good for tennis. Actually, what’s going on there? Why are there no accessories? These girls live to over-accessorize!

 

New Mom isn’t much of a style icon either. It’s kind of like the moms of Scottsdale have given up on life.

%image_alt%

Sutton’s mom is dressed like she’s going to the church picnic in 1996, and she doesn’t strike me as either the church picnic type or nostalgic for the mid-90s. I don’t even know what Char’s mom is up to, other than day drinking (which sort of explains things). Maybe I’m just too used to shows where the fabulously wealthy mothers of the world all dress like Lily Van der Woodsen Bass Humphrey. I guess not in Arizona.

 

To make up for the lack of mom style, Char tries to dress like a wealthy 50 year old woman.

%image_alt%

Oh Char. You’re going to make an excellent politician’s wife someday.

 

In the race for Homecoming Queen, Nisha lost the crown, but wins for lamest posse of minions ever:

%image_alt%

The blonde one occasionally does a good bitchface, but otherwise? It’s time to recruit new minions. And to lay off the floral sundress. It’s doing nothing for the bitch attitude you’re bringing. If you’re going to talk and scheme like an Alexis Carrington, you want to bring it on the fashion front. Florals do not say, “Bitch on Board.” Unless maybe you’re Blair Waldorf. But let’s face it, Nisha is no Blair Waldorf. (p.s. speaking of scheming: when am I going to get some details about these so called Lying Games?)

 

Sutton’s besties pretty much looked like normal teenage girls at a dance, which was…kind of shocking. Golf claps, ladies. Way to dress your age.

%image_alt%

There’s something to be said for not trying to dress like you’re in the 35-54 age bracket. I dig that Mads kind of has this early Madonna vibe going on. And Char is adorable when she dresses all cute instead of like the Senator’s wife.

 

Emma however, I’m not sure of that one.

%image_alt%

Something is just not right. Is it the hair? The two different kinds of asymmetry going on (top and bottom)? The bubble skirt? All I know is that at least she knew to wear a bitchin’ pair of heels.

 

Meanwhile, across the gym and then over at the Club, Mads’ dad is crossing some seriously creepy lines.

%image_alt%

I didn’t care for you on Heroes and I definitely don’t like you now. You make too many shady deals with young men. Like, dudes who go to school with your daughter young. Not cool Mr. Shifty DA.

 

I was going to make a snark comment about wearing a tiara with casual wear or Emma getting that Happy Puppy Look, but let’s face it, I sometimes like to wear a tiara while I surf the interwebs, eat ice cream and drink cheap red wine. It happens to the best of us. When she gets older and a little less earnest, I bet Emma is going to be a blast to hang out with.

%image_alt%

 

You also can’t blame her for looking like that when this guy is coming in the bedroom window:

%image_alt%

Oh hey now. He can climb in my window any day.

 

And in a total twist unlike any the fans of ABC Family-Sara Shepard novel based shows have ever seen: We meet Annie Hobbs, the bio mom in episode five!

%image_alt%

I can only assume this means that finding bio mom is the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Because otherwise, they’re showing me their hand way too soon.