Recently it came to our attention that not one, not two, but three YKYLF-featured actors starred in this summer’s teen rom com romp, Monte Carlo. We could not let this opportunity pass us by, so YKYLF staffers Lesley-Anne Steelworthy and Anthony Casey bravely ventured into the theatres last weekend, then sat down for a little chat…

 

L-A: Did you actually pay money to see this movie?
AC: Maybe I spent $12.75 at a Cineplex in Chinatown, and maybe I had to go by myself because none of my cohorts could bring themselves to see this “film” after reading the article on Wikipedia about it… so MAYBE I brought my two dearest friends, Jack and Diet, along for the ride, sat next to a budding ‘mo not a day over 14, and made sarcastic commentary.

In short: yeah, I paid for this.

For those who haven’t seen it yet, can you give us a spoiler-free plot summary (because we can’t possibly guess how this movie is going to go down)?
Selena Gomez and Katie Cassidy are two small town waitresses with a song in their heart and a skip in their step. Leighton Meester is an uptight college student with a penchant for dressing like she runs a Ladies’ Auxiliary. An unlikely trio, the girls are thrown into the glamourous city of Paris where, after a series of comically mistimed events, they jet set around the French Riviera in a tense cat and mouse game filled with deception, suspense and, of course, romance.

Wow, I’m good.

Okay, now for the spoiler-full questions. STOP READING HERE if you want to be surprised by this movie.

What was up with the cowboy boots?
I have no idea. What was up with trying to ingrain in every fibre of my being that girl was from Texas? Reals, the opening credit montage is so heavy with references to the fact that these chicks are from small town Texas that even Stevie Wonder would have realised. What 18 year old girl has never (at the very least) tried on a pair of heels?

Um, Finn from Glee? Was that supposed to be an accent?
Bless his cotton socks, he does try doesn’t he? I guess Finn’s dialect coach was all, “You will be from Texas,” and Finn was all, “I’m a cowboy!” – hence said accent. I’ve seen Muppets with better Texan accents.

Is the moral of the movie your boyfriend will break up with you if you go to Paris for a week instead of marrying him?
In a nutshell, yes. Every good Texan knows that once your girl leaves the state, she changes into one of them fancy city slickers who uses napkins.

Did Katie Cassidy have a disappearing accent?
She definitely had something going on with her voice. It was kind of like she had swallowed some rocks and then tried to imitate Tanya Tucker, but Kathy Griffin would sneak in once in a while.

Actually, can you explain the accents in this movie?
All thirty-seven of them? How long do you have? Basically, it boiled down to this: everyone from this small town in Texas is skilled at mimicking a plethora of accents, yet they have no control as to when they slip out.

Did Selena Gomez’s character have meltdowns at the weirdest times? Like when she missed a bus?
TOTES. What was with that? You miss a tour bus and suddenly you come to deep personal revelations like you’re not the kind of person who can visit Paris? Newsflash sister, ANYONE can visit Paris. ANYONE! It’s just too bad a tour doesn’t provide a schedule with a list of stops and information should you get lost.

Do teenage socialites really order 26 pound lobsters?
Why not, right? They totally exist and it’s really just a light amuse bouche before they get into the main course of a roasted oxen each. She works hard and she eats hard. In the grand scheme of this movie, I think the 26 pound lobster was the most believable.

Was that the ugliest luxury room in all of Paris?
“Ah, maidmoiselle! Here is your key to the I Dream of Jeanie suite! Bonne nuit!”

I refuse to believe that any 5 star hotel in Paris would use chartreuse satin and crushed purple velvet as bedding. I. Refuse. I need to know what drag queen filled focus group the producers used to test this film.

What did Selena Doppleganger do in Reykjavik? Couldn’t they think of anything scandalous to write into the script?
My guess would be mild vandalism, cat fights and tantrums. I mean, she was kicked out of boarding school for lighting her roommate’s hair on fire? Oooooo, call the Swiss Guard! Whatever happened to teenage socialites getting busted for snorted thousands of dollars worth of cocaine of a stripper named Royce, whilst cruising around on Daddy’s yacht and trying to cover up a drowning by putting the body in a bathtub full of ice so they can blame it on the cleaning staff? Does no one respect tradition anymore?

How is it that they didn’t know Leighton spoke fluent French until they got to Monte Carlo?
Well, juggling those accents takes a lot of concentration. Besides, everyone knows at least one French phrase they can bust out. Mine is: Dites-moi où je peux acheter du vin. Je vais aussi besoin de quelques cheeseburgers.

How is it they all fit into dresses owned by the same person? Sisterhood of the Travelling Ballgowns?
Here’s a little bit of trivia I picked up in my years of travel: when you’re painted into a corner, surrounded by a fashion dilemma, your body will adjust its natural structure to suit your needs. This also holds true if your core group of friends begins to grow up, and apart, and you need something tangible to hold you together because maintaining friendships despite developing as a person is definitely not part of becoming an adult.

Is the Australian a stalker?
Well, if he is, I’m OK with it. Better to have a hot stalker than somebody who looks like Nick Swarsdon. But how can he be a stalker? His floppy golden locks are too shiny to be menacing. He’s just a bingy bangy surfer from Down Unda, mate!

Shouldn’t princes have better taste in flowers?
Oh please, they have people to order flowers.

Who the fuck puts a Bulgari necklace in a backpack on a scooter?
Meg. Monte Carlo is a city built on trust, my friends. I’m actually more horrified that she didn’t ask someone in the street to hold onto it until she picked it up in the morning. What a sad commentary on Americans.

Does Leighton Meester now have a clause in her contract that she rides on scooters in European settings in every production she’s in?
Well how else are we going to find out that she’s become a carefree spirit? Incidentally, Europe passed a law that requires all fresh faced girls visiting Europe, who happen to fall in love with the first piece they see, to ride on the back of a motorscooter as the wind dances through their hair. It’s kind of like their baptismal process. The more you know.

Seriously? The Australian is telling us he was paralysed?
Yup, which is supposed to instantly make you feel bad for complaining about anything ever. How amazing is it that the two “broken” characters who have had to deal with tragedy, meet on the step of le Sacre Couer in Paris and continue their love affair across the world? It’s like something out of a movie!

Overdressed and eating dinner on a fancy yacht: is this really when you decide you’re happier as a waitress?
What a bold statement, bravo! Too bad the rest of the French d-bags were too involved in their conversations to even notice that the blonde, tanned chick from Texas in the Valentino gown was making a moral stand against class structures by clearing the table.

Does La Vie en Rose just play everywhere in Europe?
What else are they going to play, “C’est La Vie” by B*Witched?

Thank you, now I have that song in my head. Speaking of music, why can’t Leighton Meester dance?
I think you’re missing the point: she doesn’t need to dance because she’s finally experiencing life. When you sneak into a VIP night club by crawling under the rope, past the wall of bouncers, you don’t need choreography – you’ve got swag.

Did Finn not think to get a hotel room in Paris?
Forget the hotel room, how did he even afford to get to Paris? He’s a backwater mechanic, his girlfriend is a waitress, and I’m sure he’s paying for that mini monster truck until he’s 55. A hotel room is the least of his worries at the moment.

Did the props department think they could get away with having a Vogue from May 2010 lying around in the Monte Carlo hotel room?
Well, this would be the same prop department that procured a 26 pound lobster and Bulgari sapphire necklace. I’m just sayin’… this is what happens when you believe your own hype.

Is lying to a cute guy really worse than impersonating, wearing someone’s clothes and accidentally stealing that Bulgari?
Depends… how cute are we talking? Just another awkward meltdown for Selena Gomez: “I stole someone’s identity, wore their clothing, used their hotel suite, racked up charges on their tab, and played mind games with the British aristocracy. BUT OMG U GUYZ I TOLD A LIE TO A CUTE BOI DIS IZ DA WURST.”

Priorities.

Why doesn’t the Australian do up his shirt?
You know we celebrate Gratuitous Male Shirtlessness here on YKYLF. If that crunchy granola surfer wants to walk around in a shirt with just one button fastened, I’m down.

Couldn’t Selena Doppleganger just bite her way through the apple?
Right?! Or maybe open her mouth just a smidgen wider? Or push the apple out with her tongue. Or just spit it out? Maybe that’s what happened in the hot tub in Reykjavik…

Why did she say it’s too much? Too much for the necklace? Or too much lying?
“It’s too much…” – worst character realization ever. You were on your high horse this whole movie about helping people and suddenly, because you realise how much you’ve fucked up, you’re about to throw away millions of Euros? How is it only now, after all of the crimes you’ve committed, that you feel the lying has gotten out of hand? WHO ARE YOU ANYMORE?

Did Selena Gomez really just quote Ghandi?
Oh yeah. It felt almost as genuine as Taylor Momsen quoting Nancy Grace.

Is “they’re nice” really a defense in France?
You know the French, once everything is wrapped up in a neat little package there’s no need to worry. Could these girls be con artists? Are they possibly serial killers? Is this the first time they’ve stolen an identity? Meh, there’s champagne and British people are pissed off. Vive la France!

What the hell is up with Machu Pichu? I thought they were going to Tuscany?
Girl, you can’t scream in Tuscany. Here’s a better question: what was with the font they used to denote locations?

Are dimmer switches really the height of fancy living?
Oh lord, I nearly vomited during that scene. First off, check out the house Selena and her cobbled together family lived in – it was nice. Apparently granite counter tops and oak cabinets in a kitchen aren’t enough for Ms. Cassidy. It’s not like she grew up in a hovel, or some Airstream trailer that didn’t have running water. Apparently, bitch needs a dimmer switch to feel like she’s made it.

Romania? What about college?
I’m sure this “volunteer” job had nothing to do with nearly defrauding a charity and family or millions of Euro. Let’s get real, she can spin this into a growing opportunity all she wants, Gomez is definitely serving some hard time working for this charity.

If he hadn’t spotted her on the bike, would Theo have never bothered to look her up? Because that’s not very romantic.
Is it said that every time she said “Theo” with the French accent, I imagined it in my head as “Taio” like Taio Cruz, but then still pictured Bruno Mars singing “Grenade”? Anyway, we’ve been over this: HIS FEELINGS WERE HURT AND HE FELT SILLY. I’m surprised rather than finding her in the street and remaining calm, Theo didn’t slap her silly and cry screaming, “I thought you thought I was cool!”

So, was it worth it? Should others pay the $12 or wait for Netflix?
Pay the $12 if you’ve got an hour or two to kill and the alternative is killing yourself. Otherwise, it’s definitely a rental.

So in the battle between death and Monte Carlo, the movie wins?
Yes. And thank you, because from now on I’m rating all my movies this way.