Episode Synopsis: Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess and a vengeful queen. Princess Serena, who was always good and kind to paupers, was betrayed by them – and Queen Blair never liked to let a slight pass. Together with her minions, she worked to destroy Humdrum Humphrey and his belle de jour, unaware that a Dark Knight had been pulling her strings all along. This slippery Bass deposed the queen, replaced her with the princess, and watch the sparks fly. Poor Queen B tried to help Sir Natefused slay a Duchess-Dragon, but in the end just lost was her Lord. Let’s roll on with the show…

 

Another year at Constance, another fresh batch of souls for Blair to harvest. She tries to look queenly, but ends up overcompensating: a cape style cardigan is a lovely idea, but that lace overlay and high collar plus a corsage are just one step too far. Nevertheless, her tiara-esque headband is utterly delectable.

 

Serena, on the other hand, is still clinging to the summer. Her flowing tresses and headband are carefree and cute, as are her assortment of charm necklaces. I can’t recommend pairing a cream waistcoat with a plain white tee, though, sorry S.

 

In the first of many faux pas, Queen B’s royal court take fashion from fab to foolish. Iz’s blouse strains across her chest, whereas Penelope – as ever – tries to fit too many colours into one ensemble and accessorises with cheap looking jewellery.

An unexpected star is Nelly Yuki (who doesn’t love to say that name?) who coordinates her headband, glasses and bow necktie, all in shades of blue. Go Nelly! Go Nelly!

 

I think one of the best scenes of season one was Blairena’s brawl on the hockey field, and here our girls look sporty and spectacular. Blair chooses red and coordinates with a wristband, headband and bow buckled belt (je l’adore!), Penelope a red sweatband and socks, Iz a sweatband and a belt and a necklace and wristbands and socks and shoes in pink, and Serena…

 

Serena doesn’t play ball, just ties a scarf around her head. Oh wait, she has a wristband. It’s white and grey. BORING.

 

The gang ships out to STK over the course of two night, and both times, Iz and Penelope are joined at the hip.

Night one: oh, pretty! Iz has a Wilma Flintstone vibe going on with a one shoulder animal print dress and chunky beads; the muted colours make her skin glow. Penelope wears something silky and deep red, with a goddess style neckline. All hail to thee, P!

Night two: was there a memo about this mother’s meeting? Iz chokes herself with far too much buttercup yellow chiffon and a huge bow at her neck, then layers up and fails further with a long turquoise necklace. Penelope, on the other hand, is wearing a blouse made from bacon, and a headband which doesn’t even match. A poor showing, ladies.

 

Serena, who has an eye for these things, shows off her van der Woodsens in a black Herve Leger style bandage dress with lilac panels and tousled locks. Simple, but oh so sexy.

 

Blair discovers – from Vanessa, no less – that Lord Marcus has been schtupping his stepmother. Heartbreak makes her look wonderful, surprisingly enough: red eyes aside, B’s summer dress has wonderful ruffle detailing, as well as a big yellow bow pulling in her teeny tiny waist. Her tumble of curls is very season one, and tres Marie Antoinette.

 

Okay, B, heartbreak not so becoming now. Were you so blinded by tears that you could no longer apply foundation? The poor girl’s face is a very different colour to her hand, and she dresses it up with several shades of vomit, mustard and olive. Life without a Lord can really takes its toll…

 

Oh, hi Isabelope. Is it time to terrorise Little J already?

Instance number one has them rocking simplicity: Iz pairs a darling patterned headband with a blouse which actually fits, while P wears a long strand of red beads over her pinafore and looks just plain sassy; less is always more for Penelope.

Instance number two: no…just no. Iz, are you going to play bingo with the other old ladies in Boca in that visor and kitschy necklace? Penelope, how are those enormous pearls not dragging your head down? You two are supposed to be playing sport, and you both have ‘health and safety hazard’ written all over you!

 

A change in the breeze has Isabel off to Woodstock in that bizarre headscarf, with too many chains and a bedazzled ivory sweater which blows her out to complete/ruin the look. Penelope attempts to mix purple plaid with Constance plaid and fails, and once again Nelly Yuki romps home. Vintage glasses, beige headband, beige sweater vest, simple chain necklace. Go Nelly! Go Nelly!

 

Did I say a change in the breeze? It’s a change in the monarchy that brings out Serena’s true colours. She wears a neat littlr mushroom coloured waistcoat that matches the accents on her purse, adding some colour with the addition of a Chanel headscarf – and that, Iz, is how it’s done.

 

Boyfriend gone and now friends gone too, Blair becomes a wreck. She’s completely orange now, with her hair styled in ratty chunks which can’t even be saved by that covetable buckled headband. Her ascot is sweet, but a puffy blouse and pencil skirt make the svelte Leighton Meester looks like she’s packing a paunch.

Not a good look for the now dissed and dismissed Queen B.

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