This episode is a series of outings for our Upper East Siders: Serena is outed as a felon, Eric is outed as batting for the other team (with Little J’s BF, no less), and Lily is outed as a ‘screw it and do it anyway’ kind of gal, putting aside her feelings for a shag carpet – oh, my mistake, was that Rufus? – in favour of a society wedding with some cold hard Bass. Blair drags herself back to the top, and proceeds to smile evilly. Dan and Vanessa also feature, though who knows why. Let’s roll on with the show…

 

The Battle of Gettysburg; Custer’s Last Stand; The Gulf War. None of these conflicts quite measure up to the Battle of the Met Steps. My money’s on Blair, purely for the reason that the most notable time she rocked navy and red was when she was having Nate’s cake and letting Chuck eat hers too. The girl can multi-task.

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Here endeth the sexual allusions and begineth the analysis.

Jenny, I love your blue sparkly headband. I love your lemon yellow coat. I love your huge pink handbag. I love your silver Mary Janes and fishnets. This episode is a strong one for Jenny sartorially, and this delicious ensemble is just the aperitif.

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Unfortunately, Blair kinda looks like she’s going to rip J’s face off.

What sells me on this outfit is the details: it’s not the red tights, it’s texture of the red tights. It’s the red cardigan peeping out from beneath that admiral-able (I’m stopping with the puns, I promise!) naval style coat. It’s the way her headband and handbag match. This is Blair in full armour, and the effect is spectacular.

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As in any war or game of softball, there are two teams. Let’s talk Team Backing up Brooklyn first.

They’re all wearing a little bit of Little J. Littlest Minion brings out the pink handbag in her patterned and patent ensemble complete with bow headband, Penelope spices up her lavender outfit with some vaguely yellow/green flats, and Hazel pops that blue in a divine sky blue coat. As ever, Hazel gets extra points: crimson patterned tights with white double strap heels? Is she secretly rooting for Blair and her stellar colour scheme?

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Speaking of Team Backing up the Blue-Blood, here they are now.

Perhaps to make up for Blair’s depleted numbers, Iz mixes red and white patterns, white accessories and bizarre turquoise leggings to her heart’s content. As Bethany noted in last week’s recap, Nelly Yuki (like Blair, I cannot seem to stop using her full name), really needs to up her game vis-à-vis those shades of boring and drab. And no headband? OMG!

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With her dramatic colouring, our Queen B usually goes for bright colours which emphasise her pale skin or dark hair, but here she steals the show at her plotting party in a brown pencil skirt and tie neck pewter shirt. Even Nelly looks vaguely acceptable in her draped mushroom coloured dress, though I don’t quite know what to make of Isabel in that black and lime patterned cream confection.

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Here, sadly, Jenny is just begging me to tear her to shreds. That pink blouse looks like it’s supposed to be white but had an unfortunate incident at the laundromat. Also, those bizarre suspender things holding up her skirt are shifting about due to the sudden advent of Little J’s chest, and really just make her look poochy.

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I like this outfit for entirely different reasons to the one at the Steps. It’s particularly nice to see one of our Gossip Girls in jeans, but really sells me on it is the corsage topping her striped cardigan. It doesn’t need to be there; still, it adds an extra pop of colour and remind us of the girl who Jenny used to be.

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Now, on to the party: this is one of my favourite Blair ensembles ever. The super long string of pearls tied to her wrists and turned into bracelets, the flapper-style silver and black dress and headband…all I can say is she looks fierce, and she looks like Blair Waldorf: killer queen.

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This is, without a doubt, the best dress Jenny has ever worn – the lilac and flower detail complete with matching headband are nothing short of exquisite. As for the minions, however…oh dear.

I like Penelope’s multicoloured halter-neck, but hate her huge red hippie pendant (once more, they’re all wearing long necklaces – as is J). Hazel drops the ball once again by dressing in a smear of pastels which makes her look pregnant, complete with enormous rap star gold chain, and Iz is turning into Vanessa. Gold, gold and more gold destroys the appeal of that gorgeous cerulean dress and headband. Sigh.

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“I lied, and I stole, and I lost the respect of my family,” says Jenny tearfully, all while toting this wonderfully patterned coat.

“I tried to warn you,” replies Blair. “There’s a price to pay.”

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And as Jenny leaves the penthouse, broken dreams in tow, the camera lingers on B. We’re left to wonder what price she paid – her fall from grace, her insecurity, or the boys who loved her.

She freshens up, however, into a black lacy peignoir and negligee to greet her newly grieving BFF; because every time God ends a class war, Serena accidentally murders her dealer.

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