Good Gossip Girl! The war between Blair and Jenny is on, and Little J turns to thieving as B turns up the heat. Elsewhere, the van der Basses are adapting to family life with Serena blaming Chuck for a procession of embarrassing deliveries. Dairy is dumped, Nate is useless and glory of glories, Vanessa is absent. Let’s roll on with the show…

 

It’s only my second time out, yet I get to recap an Audrey dream sequence, hurrah! Blair wears a double-breasted trench coat which is pulled in neatly to showcase her waist (because even in her dreams, she cannot be shapeless) and cute T-bar heels. I would say I love her miniature beehive ponytail, but wait…look at the back.

It’s forked.

Like a snake’s tongue.

Weird.

 

Humbug (that’s black and white candy to you Yanks) striped pyjamas with matching contrasting braid around the collar and cuffs? Why do I not own a pair of these? Unfortunately, Lady Godiva has proved to be Blair’s only friend of late; these PJs are too baggy and the polar opposite of that svelte trench. I’m gaga for her lace sleep mask, however.

 

Blair’s incognito look is frankly abhorrent: her headscarf and sunglasses only border on chic, and that bulky, puffed sleeved blouse only serves to make her look puffy. She’s buttoned up to the throat and topped with a cerulean blue disaster of a coat, its ruched shoulders overwhelming on B’s delicate frame, widening her torso with its boat neck and awkward belt. Leather driving gloves hardly help, and I swear my grandmother has that exact same purse.

Having yoghurt dumped on this outfit can only improve it.

 

Hmmm, I thought, viewing Blair’s ‘let’s all be friends again even though I kind of hate you’ dinner outfit. Where have I seen that before?

 

In ‘Hi, Society’, of course. Same headband, similarly cut dress, silver necklace. Is B trying to revisit a time when both Chuck and Nate wanted her, or is she just so depressed that she’s decided to commit sartorial suicide?

 

Are those heavenly choirs I hear? Blair’s got her groove back! She pairs a gorgeous green crochet headband with red blouse and sharply tailored blazer, adding a youthful cuteness with an adorable charm bracelet. Sure, her makeup isn’t so good and her face doesn’t match her hand colour-wise, but you can’t have everything.

 

And…another outfit repeat. While this atrocity isn’t as exact as earlier, the striped shirt/tie/blazer combo is almost identical to the one Blair wore in ’Seventeen Candles’, only that shirt was grey. She does rock a pink pocket square, but that seems to beg the question whether she’s given up on having Chuck and has just decided to dress like him instead.

 

Jenny is stepping into Blair’s Queen Bee shoes by literally wearing the same things, and it isn’t working . Tight curls beside a high necked blouse make her neckline fussy, though she does get snaps for that bow fronted red wrap/cardigan/length of material (actually, no snaps if it’s unidentifiable). Plaid skirt over…white tights. At least her headband matches her purse!

 

Wouldn’t you just know it, a Blair style fifties’ dress! I love the purple and block print, plus the flower in her hair, but B has definitely worn that bow pendant before. This recap is turning into a comedy of errors.

 

Same coat, different headband. Those flower shaped sequins are lovely.

 

The littlest Humphrey in swiped Valentino. Don’t cry, J, it didn’t suit you anyway.

 

Correct me if I’m wrong, but Rufus only understands people wearing Henleys. This graphic tee makes for cute sleepwear, though.

 

I take my criticism of Blair back – with all that pink and purple, Jenny’s clearly the one trying to dress like Chuck. She rises from the ashes in this strapless purple number and a bedazzled pink headband. Sorry J, you still look like you’re trying too hard; didn’t B teach you that less is more when it comes to queenly cool?

 

Ladies, take a bow: the varying shades of Blair are all here, from Penelope’s white headband to Hazel’s pearl and gold necklace over a tie. The new Jenny Humphrey is sweet in three shades of pink while Penelope rocks primary colours, and Isabel is a hot mess without Kati. Her hallucinogenic yellow headband and striped yellow and white jacket fail to impress, as does that red vest vs. the red tights.

 

Hazel, I worship you today. Let’s have an extra shot of how preppy chic should be done, primarily because you rock and also because we have the same haircut. J’adore those striped sleeves emerging from a military style jacket.

 

You all blew off Blair to what, sit around and look like something the cat dragged in?

The absence of Vanessa seems to require Iz assuming her identity, along with enormous earrings and leopard print dress. New Jenny Humphrey is wearing a fluorescent paisley tent, so I’m ignoring her in a valiant act of self-preservation, as I will kill myself if I have to comment on that thing.

 

Penelope, stop trying to make plastic jewellery happen; it is never going to happen. I do like the way it matches the pattern on your dress, however.

 

Hazel looks like Betty Draper in ruched deep blue/purple, but closer inspection shows that this dress is billowy and makes her look six months pregnant. And to think I almost liked her…

 

Who am I kidding? Hazel, I love you again. Your brocade effect coat is stunning, as is that enormous bow you have perched on top of your head: A+.

 

Penelope, the hospital called. They want their neck brace back.

 

And Isabel…do I even have to say? I understand you’re trying to dress up your cast with some Hermes (and I approve), but beside that neo-cubist coat, it looks a little gauche. You do get points for your colour choices, however, and for keeping it simple with a wide cream headband.

 

At Blair’s birthday/sabotage soiree for Jenny, some serious faux pas are made: Hazel outfit repeats (that’s the same ruched dress from earlier) and Penelope appears to have kiddy jewellery slung around her neck (plus her Grecian dress fits badly), although new Jenny Humphrey is as pretty as Molly Ringwald in pink, and Isabel kind of makes the effort in mint green with a cowbell made of diamonds instead of a necklace.

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