To be honest, the boys are about as interesting as watching paint dry while they’re in uniform. Nate = genuinely rumpled. Chuck = pretentiously rumpled. Dan = can’t-afford-dry-cleaning-every-day rumpled. There are only so many variations on yellow shirt, red tie and khakis.

 

In the coats, however, we see their true colours shining through: Nate wears the same wide lapelled navy blue coat he wears for everything, Chuck looks vaguely demonic in tweed and Dan wears – wouldn’t you just know it – brown, green and purple plaid paired with a plaid scarf. Way to mix it up, Lonely Boy.

 

…and now Chuck too has gone over to the dark side! Jeez, is this show actually just a giant product placement for “Tartans ‘R’ Us”?

 

A quiet study date with Dan’s lady love turns into an essay writing rager at Blair’s, and…and Dan matches Vanessa in another two tone bomber jacket, this one in tan and white. Add a plaid shirt, this time in black and white, and a pair of jeans, and you have the requisite Brooklyn wardrobe. Yawn.

 

Usually Chuck can do no wrong in my eyes, but this outfit is questionable to say the least. I’m head over heels for that gorgeously cut vintage jacket (complete with elbow pads and brass buttons), and even so-so about the accompanying brown turtleneck. Where the Basshat truly slips up, however, is with those maroon and khaki pants: are they paisley? Do they belong to Vanessa? Are they made from my grandmother’s dining room curtains? Why would you ever pair them with white and blue striped socks?

 

I hear I’m supposed to make some sort of joke about someone called Mr Rogers here, to which I reply – in the immortal words of Ed Westwick – ‘leave me alone, I’m English’.

That aside, Nate looks hot in this sweater, if a little cookie-cutter. It doesn’t help that he’s just thrown it on over one of his fifty billion blue shirts, but nautical looks fab on him and I love the thicker collar and neat brown buttons. Hello, sailor…

 

“Come to bed,” whispered Dan seductively.

“No!” Cried Serena. “Not my virtue.”

“No, not that. I just want you to help me jazz up this dark t-shirt, beige shirt and jeans combo. It really sucks.”

 

Now, isn’t that a face you want to slap and/or have take you out to dinner? Personally, I like nothing better than a man in a nicely knotted pale blue ascot to top off a darker blue shirt and navy blue blazer which brings his shoulders out to ‘here’. Meow.

 

“Blair,” said Nate. “I’m completely unaware at this point that you had a sordid affair with my best friend, so I’ve come here in my grey Henley, white shirt and black coat with the same cut as my blue coat to beg you to take me back.”

“Hmmm,” replied Blair musingly. “As long as you call me nasty names, and I get to call you Chuck and pull your hair from time to time.”

“It’s a deal!”

 

I had to include as much of that kindergarten sculpture in the picture just to keep from screaming aloud. More plaid, Rufus? You’re not Scottish, and the addition of all those hippie man bracelets doesn’t make it any more okay to be wearing a grey plaid shirt with the sleeves unbuttoned.

 

And sometimes, Daddy Humphrey is such a bad dresser that you forget he’s actually attractive. This is such a case: a brown Henley topped by an elderly looking khaki zip-up cardigan with brown accents. I can’t fault the final layer of chocolate brown leather jacket, however; that is so left over from the days of Lincoln Hawk, and I can just imagine Lily wearing it over her slip dress back in the ‘80s.

 

At least Rufus isn’t as whiny as his son. He takes it on the chin when Lily declines him in favour of Bart, probably down to the fact that he knows his natty sheepskin jacket was a great buy anyway. The shirt…sorry Rufus, the shirt is a bit of a failure. It’s brown (no surprises there) and has both pleats and embroidery (you may have to squint at the photo, but they’re definitely there). Go and put that nice jacket back on now, we wouldn’t want your broken heart to catch cold…

 

Gentlemen, take a bow. While it’s true that none of you will be taking home any best dressed awards this week, every cloud has a silver lining: at least none of you are vampires, vampire’s assistants, teenage mutant ninja werewolves or black swans. Bravo.

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