The gamechanger of all gamechangers! “Victrola” is a modern burlesque club that Chuck wants his father to invest in. Bart’s initial response is along the lines of “Yay my son is into something other than booze and women!” but what Bart doesn’t realize is what’ll change Chuck the most isn’t the ownership of Victrola, but a certain girl who decides to moonlight at the club. (And what changes her is a certain limo ride).  Meanwhile, in the Archibalds’ UES prison, the Captain and Anne are trés concerned re: Nate’s drug use…oh, except the drugs are Dad’s. Oops. Nate is torn between wanting to help his family and do what he feels is right by Blair. Dan and Serena finally begin to get serious, emotionally and physically, though they find themselves almost constantly thwarted by Vanessa’s interference.


There are a few ways to really jumpstart your morning. Wheaties, yogurt, a fruit smoothie . . .

The UES version? A family confrontation!

The Captain and Anne Archibald begin their morning by confronting Nate about the bag of drugs that Anne found. What Anne doesn’t know—and that Nate does—is that the drugs belong to the Captain. And what does a spoiled Upper East Side teenage boy wear to such a confrontation? An expensive, but undeniably careless and sloppy version of his school uniform.

Two options here:

1. This is an incredibly studied look, designed to make it look like Nate’s too cool to care about anything or anyone.

2. The crooked, loosened tie and the unbuttoned, flattened collar mean that Nate truly doesn’t care.

The truth is unfortunately not hard to guess.

Later that night, Nate goes with his family to attend a celebratory dinner in honor of Eleanor Waldorf’s deal with his father. Thankfully he manages to change into a suit that doesn’t look like it was on his floor for three days first.

It’s not bad by any means, but it kind of makes him look depressed. The colors look nice—I especially like the blue shirt with the dark navy tie, but the gray jacket makes him look slightly nauseous. Unlike Chuck, Nate gets halfway to a good look, but can’t seem to manage to get all the way there. I think we can chalk that up to the aforementioned teenage angsty apathy.

Maybe this is a family trait, because the Captain seems to have a similar issue with color matching.

I know this is a very traditional look, but I hate the contrasting collar and the navy jacket with the burgundy and gold-striped tie. It might be typical Head-of-Rich-and-Powerful-Family-with-Secret-Drug-Abuse-Issues, but it’s still ugly.

Earlier, he does much better with this daytime ensemble—so much better that I wish he’d just kept this same lovely gray suit on, but he’s from New York, which means he’s contractually obligated to change clothes at least twice a day.

The light textured weave of the gray combined with the dark navy and gold tie is really nice. I’m glad he resisted the urge to pair it with a colored shirt. The white here works perfectly. This is by far the best we’ve seen the Captain look.

Anne, too, seems to have gotten the memo that when your family is going through a serious drug scandal, it’s always important to look your very best.

The color of this matching shell and cardigan isn’t the greatest—I have never understood why anyone would choose to wear beige, which is possibly the dingiest, most drab color ever—but the pattern is nice and the cut is flattering.

Like the Captain, eveningwear still seems to evade our Upper East Side Stepford Wife.

There isn’t a single thing about this that I like. Or that makes Anne look good. The black thing (blouse) she’s wearing is unflattering and bulky, plus it kind of looks like it’s got some kind of nautical scarf made of open-work lace. Blech. The top alone would be an auf but paired with that wrinkled beige linen skirt, it’s just a big hell no. That’s what you wear to a party? A celebration? It’s so drab and dreary and downright depressing that it’s hard to even look at her. You have to admire Anne, though, because even when she looks like that from the neck down and her family is falling apart, she keeps her appointment at Elizabeth Arden for her blowout. As a result, her hair looks wonderful—smooth and glossy. Priorities, children, priorities.

Poor Eleanor, she hasn’t gotten the memo that there are other colors in the wheel besides cream and black. Her daytime attire:

It’s even more unfortunate than that garment she’s carrying around (which we will get to in much more detail in a minute). The necklace is nice, and works well with the blouse—which isn’t even so bad. The blush cream works beautifully with her skin tone and there aren’t any excessive ruffles.

What I don’t like about it is that it’s nearly exactly repeated that evening, at the party, except that she decided to sew a Elizabethan ruff onto it so that it would be extra festive.

Eleanor is a lot like her daughter—she often means well when it comes to her wardrobe, but occasionally things just go terrifyingly awry. This is one of those times.