This week Vanessa wears a tasteful amount of jewelry and gets her hair combed…or does she? Chuck kissed a boy. Olivia gives the worst gifts ever. Lily keeps making a face that says, “what the hell have I married into?” Jenny didn’t get a storyline and they didn’t even bother to call Eric onto the set. Serena plays poker. Nate plays Serena. Blair and Vanessa play each other. Pretty much everyone loses.

 

The episode begins in a sepia toned scene and Blair and Chuck are looking, well, glamorous and hot. But why the sad face B?

Oh B, why so sad? You should be as happy as V and everyone at home: V has had her hair combed! She’s not wearing one pattern at all! Not even a little bit!

Look at that hair! That dress! It is dress porn! And not only can you count the pieces of jewelry on one hand, you won’t even use all your fingers trying to count. Bracelet, earrings, aaaaaand…that’s it!

So lovely! It’s like it’s a dream. Oh. Wait. It was.  Only in Blair’s dreams would Vanessa be wearing a gown with perfectly coiffed hair.

 

At least when she woke up to the realization that V will never get dolled up like that, she had this to wake up to:

Good morning hottness! But more on Chuck and his commitment to purple later.

 

Ever wonder what Blair wears to bed? Satin romper, that’s what.

 

Righto. I’m exactly the same. Except it involves more flannel and less satin and lace. Despite waking up to Chuck, her day gets off to a rocky start when she realizes her dress makes people stare at her nipples all day long:

 

I could almost like the dress if my eyes weren’t constantly drawn to her nipples.  It didn’t help that the minions had been going through her dry cleaning again.

 

Of course, running into this would ruin anyone’s day:

The leggings alone have been giving me nightmares since watching Monday’s episode.  That shot not enough for you? Let’s take another look:

 

Don’t look so smug, kitten. Just because the pattern on your blouse hides the chains on your necklace, doesn’t make it okay. Especially since you decided it was okay to wear the outfit with these boots (and I apologize for the photo quality here)

 

I bet you’re thinking, “okay, now I’ve seen it all. The outfit can’t get any worse.” But you know what? Of course it can!  Check out the glimmer and shine on that puppy

See! It could get worse. And with that bedspread? I think a blood vessel exploded in my temple.

 

How do you recover from an outfit like that? Normally I’d tell you to take a look at what Blair is sporting, but not today. That won’t help you at all.

What the what now? I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Am I most horrified by that skirt with that sweater? Or is it just that sweater?

 

Yeah, it’s mostly the sweater. It’s like Nana’s bestest, blingiest sweater for her bus trip with the seniors group to Vegas to play the slots. Maybe if she asks nice, V will lend her the leggings to make the outfit complete.  And how does she accessorize? With a bag that matches the bedazzling on her sweater, naturally.

 

And just as you are coming around from that bedazzled sweater nightmare, V tries to throw you for a loop with this one:

Almost okay. Almost. Until we see that it has weird pleats and ruffles and it’s ill fitting on the hips. And she wore yellow shoes with it.

Oh V. We were so close to dressing you up pretty.  Oh, and the back? Giant gold zipper:

I think Lily is having second thougths about inviting bohemians over for breakfast.

 

Of course, no look is complete without at least three bangles, a giant pendant, big earrings and an enormous ring.

 

But where did V learn to dress like that? Is this boho chic something she just picked up during her fancy free days of homeschooling and living on her own in NYC at the age of 17?  Oh no. The sartorial apple didn’t fall far from it’s tree. That’s right. Meet Mommy Dearest: Gabriela!

Mismatched patterns and all the jewelry you own at the same time? Oh yeah. That’s how V rolls and that’s how Gabriela does it too.

 

The Abrams women take that boho look from day to night by trading their giant tote bags (some I actually like) in for enormous clutches:

They continue to wear as much fabric, patterns and jewelry as possible. All at once.

 

If Lily is looking for her earrings from last weeks’ episode, Vanessa is now wearing them as a necklace.

And while I’d normally jump onto the oversized purple clutch bandwagon, I have to draw a line somewhere. And that line happens to be right around the same place as “evening bags shouldn’t be as big as the main floral centerpiece”.

 

At least B knows how to dress for a party.

 

Too bad V totally ruined her night and that she has to put up with stupid minions.  Also too bad that her necklace is a bit like something a six year old whipped up.  Whatevs. This has been a hard episode for B.

Besides, I’d probably wear that necklace.

 

The episode doesn’t get any easier for her though. Just as she wakes up from the nightmares caused by Vanessa’s overflowing dress with its plunging neckline that was threatening to show some boobage and at least two metres of fabric in each sleeve, she has to spend the day in whatever this is:

 

One too many old movies for B, because I think she tore down the brocade curtains to make that thing. Which could explain the unfinished seams and the giant zipper going down the front. Dorota’s gonna be pissed when she sees the curtains this morning.

 

Too bad B. You might want to slip into the ladies’ room, because I think your dress is on inside out. You can take some solace in the fact that your necklace is kind of cute.  Although, I’m not convinced that the bright yellow ostrich lunchbox was your best choice of purse

 

At least you still have enough sense not to wear these jeans:

I think Vanessa got an earring stuck in her hair. Maybe if the hair/makeup people would let her comb it every now and then (it seems to get bigger throughout the episode. Like they backcomb and tease between takes), that kind of thing wouldn’t happen. But no. They have some kind of “more is awesome” policy with V:

So much hair. So much jewelry. It’s a good thing she homeschooled, because she’d never make it through a public school metal detector in all that stuff. You know, if she she wore just the necklace or just the earrings, I’d probably like them. Of course, that would make for less snark, so keep it coming Gossip Girl Wardrobe Department!

 

And as the episode closes, we are left with the two saddest girls in Brooklyn. So sad that not even croissants can cheer them up (that’s pretty sad. Croissants always cheer me up).  Then again, with outfits like these, it may be beyond the powers of the French pastry to help you out.

 

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