Episode Synopsis: The group goes all Scooby Gang on Serena’s dad, thanks to Jenny’s drug dealing discovery. It turns out that Holland – yes, Rufus’s Holland – had been prescribing fake medicine to Lily and was lying about sleeping with Rufus because she owed a favor to one William van der Woodsen. Blair and Chuck finally talk about how totally screwed up their relationship is, and Chuck lays down the groundwork for the season finale with an ultimatum. And, in the end, we get to see where daddy issues come from, when Serena finds out her dad’s been drugging her mom and nearly skips town without saying goodbye. Oh, also, Jenny moves in with Nate and Chuck because no one loves her, and nothing bad will come of that, I’m sure.

I loved going through Blair’s closet as she prepared for her first date ever. I mean, look at the dress she’s holding, and the dress in the background. So perfectly Blair. In my fantasy world, so perfectly me.

I actually like this dress, which is surprising because I’m not normally a big Marc Jacobs fan. But it’s a great dress for Blair – and it’s young, which we haven’t seen from her in a while.

… case in point. Seriously, Blair, you have so many gorgeous dresses – you were even wearing one three scenes ago – and you chose to go with a below-the-knee flower print dress? I wore that to my high school graduation. At the very least, get it hemmed. I mean, love the shoes, but this is not a first date dress if you’re 19.

I’m pretty sure that this is a bathrobe. No, seriously. And it would not shock me if the purse was what Blair used in the dorms as a shower caddy.

Tonight was an episode of reveals. Not only did we unravel the mysterious return of Dr. Van der Woodsen, but some of the outfits took more than one look to be fully … well, appreciated isn’t the right word.

Like Blair’s dress for the Gala of the Week. My first thoughts: “How very Scarlett O’Hara – wait, does her dress have a bustle?”

 “There’s no way – I mean, it’s a lot of fabric, but Blair wouldn’t – but it is a lot of fabric.”

“Oh, good. It’s not a bustle. It’s multiple bustles.”

I think this dress weighs more than Leighton. Why would they do this to her? Why would they taunt us with a closet full of gorgeous clothes, then swaddle her in what appears to be the curtains from a Sheraton I once stayed in? Clearly, she is not coping with the break-up nearly as well as Chuck is, fashion-wise.

As for Serena … I know we’ve all made jokes in the past about how little clothing Serena wears, about how her legs must have claustrophobia, or that she’s forgotten to put on pants.

But seriously, I think she forgot to put on pants.

Because this is not a dress. This is a long sweater and tights. Not even leggings, somewhat sheer tights. And she is not wearing pants or a skirt.

Yeah, this is totally an appropriate outfit for spending time with the family, lounging around the house, accusing your stepfather of infidelity, or going shopping in the middle of winter in Manhattan.

Oh yes. She leaves the house in this. Are her legs just impervious to cold? Because that is a suede, wool-lined cape, but she is still not wearing pants.

I’ll admit, when I was watching this episode the first time, I didn’t catch Serena’s entrance in this dress. This was the first shot I saw of it. Apparently, I lost my senses for a minute, because I thought to myself, “Oh, that’s a really nice dress. It actually looks classy.”

“Oh. Well, I guess that length is to be expected, but it’s still a great cut on her, and …”

“[sigh] Of course it’s backless. Of course.” Because why look appropriate when you could look like a call girl?

I’d like to point out, the sleeve/cape thing is longer than her dress. Like, by a lot.

At least the girl has the good sense to wear pants while flying. Even if it’s a private jet, it can get pretty cold.

Man, that outfit made me miss New Serena v.1.0’s wardrobe. Back when she had this awesome Upper East Side bohemian look going. Back when she would, on occasion, wear pants.

And the episode ends with Serena more clothed than we will probably ever see her. Pants, an overcoat, gloves, a huge scarf, and a fedora. The only skin you can see is her face. Her legs are probably having a panic attack.

Ugh. Please don’t make me do Jenny. Can we just ignore her and hope that she goes away?

I actually like this outfit. Just not on a 16 year old, because that skirt is way too short and oh my god when did I become a parent?

I feel super-creepy posting this, because again, Taylor is 16, but if you a) can’t legally buy a lottery ticket, and b) can’t bend over in your skirt to get your purse, that is a sign that your skirt is inappropriately short.

Jenny wears yet another ill-fitting, cleavage-baring dress. Shocker.

I know this pose well. See how her right arm is pressed against her body? That’s the international sign of “I think my dress is slipping, and I’m really afraid it’s going to fall off, but I don’t want to hold the top up while I run toward the chaos I have created, so instead I’ll just hope that my arms hold it in place.”

And the back of her dress.  She’d be a much more threatening antagonist if she didn’t always look unkempt and drowning in fabric. As it is, she just kind of looks like a pissed-off junkie.

Oh, did you notice that hair? Yeah, Jenny’s hair has gotten to the point where I want her to snap and pull a Britney, just so we don’t all have to keep staring at it.

This isn’t hair. These are curling ribbons you use to decorate a birthday present.

What is this? I don’t even know – I mean, it has the texture of an old Barbie doll’s hair. The style is basically “matted.” How has no one staged a hair-intervention yet?

It’s nice to see that she put her basket weaving skills to good use.  I’d say it translates nicely from weaving with reeds to weaving with straw.

Seriously, Taylor, I know you think you’re super cool and punk and original and all those things that every 16  year old thinks they are at some point, but you’re not. You’re so painfully unoriginal it’s embarrassing. So stop doing horrible things to your hair, stop pursuing this “music” career, and stop wearing so much eye makeup. It’s not cool or edgy. It’s just getting sad.